A recent survey on sexual health was sent out during the month of November to all students attending the University of Maryland, Baltimore County. The results that came back were shocking: all 11,142 responses indicated that they had no previous or current experience with sexual intercourse or partners. Over 6,000 even admitted they lied to friends and family about being sexually intimate.
Theroux*, a junior and biochem major at UMBC, was willing to give us some insight on his situation. “Last year, I managed to invite a girl over to my dorm, but I got so nervous that I took out my phone and decided to post unnecessarily personal information on the UMBC Memes for Smoke-Free Teens facebook page instead. Eventually, the girl left after reading my post. I haven’t had another encounter since.”
Blaighyne*, another UMBC student, gave us her story as well: “I had been crushing on this guy for a while, and he finally got the hint and invited me over to “watch him play.” I thought damn, he must be kinky, but no, he literally meant watch him play League for seven hours. I tried to seduce him but his eyes were glued to the computer screen. I finally left, but this is the sixth time this has happened to me here.”
UMBC is known for being a STEM school and having no party life, but researchers were still shocked to find such an overwhelming statistic. “The truth is that simply no one on this campus likes each other,” said campus researcher David Blowie. “My worry is that students will continue to believe the lies told by other students and continue to feel bad about themselves, even though the truth is that everyone is on the same boat. Next time, think to yourself: do you have any actual proof that your friend from CHEM101 slept with that guy on the wrestling team? Are those actual sex noises coming from your suitemate and his girlfriend, or are you just misconstruing the situation? Is that student in the comment section of this article subtly trying to prove he's slept with people really telling the truth? It’s amazing what a person will do to seem cool.”
Blowie hopes this statistic will change within the next few years, but for now, the nation’s #1 up-and-coming university remains unable to up and come.
* Names changed to protect these poor, unfortunate souls.