Dear Retriever Weekly,
Throughout my time here at UMBC I have suffered through numerous issues of your rag of a newspaper without comment, but after the injustices I and the other members of MBC News have been subjected to at the hands of last week’s issue, I can remain silent no longer. Please find below the complete itemized list of my grievances with your publication.
You have changed your publication schedule from biweekly back to weekly. One redeeming factor of your terrible paper was the fact that for most of last semester you were the country’s only biweekly weekly newspaper. However, you have elected to stamp out even that little bit of mirth.
The Air Sex Championships article. Why was that a headliner? Like, that is C page news, at best, but you put it on the front page. Not only that, but you did so during election season! Why? What did you hope to gain, you madmen? WHAT DID YOU HOPE TO GAIN?
You get actual funding for your fake newspaper. You are a fake publication that covers real news, meanwhile MBC News is a real publication that covers fake news. We figure that that should entitle us to at LEAST as much funding as you nerds get, but no, when we submit our proposal for a Doom Fortress to the SGA we are told to “Go away” and “get a job.” It’s not fair!
You won’t stay in your damn lane. Fake news is OUR thing. MBC News has published (quite successfully) edgy fanfiction for real life for years, never once have we gotten “too real”, leaving the banality of real life in your less-than-capable hands. But you weren’t satisfied. No, you had to make a cheeky “April Fools” special wherein you sought to steal our entire thing. Which brings me to my last point…
You stole my Coke and Pepsi article idea! While I was angrily perusing your publication I noticed, to my horror, an article titled “A Message to Coca-Cola: our Pepsi, our Lives” written by one “Anie Shahnazarian” (if that is even your real name). The offending article shared a couple of similar traits with my immensely popular article “White House Threatens Sanctions Against UMBC” which currently is sitting at over 100 paw-things on myUMBC. I’m sure you had seen that, and knowing that your median paw-thing rate hovers around, like, 4, you decided to try to catch my lightning. Little did you know that I would take exception to this little infringement on my intellectual property!
This grievances cannot go unredressed, so I say we settle them in the grand tradition of all newspapermen: With a duel to the death.
The terms are as follows; my interns will meet Ms.Shahnazarian’s in Erickson Field at dawn. They are allowed no weapons invented after the 15th century. They will fight until only one side remains, at which point that side will be declared the victor to whom the loser will apologize or else bring great shame to their publication. The duel will be mediated by the Bartleby people (or, if they would prefer not to, the UMBC Review people). We will decide on the exact date and time later.
Until then, I wish you well, and look forward to your response.
Doctor E. Ector
Contributor, MBC News