The gym is a rare place for studious students to be found. You can find them, definitely, but only if they were forced to take Jogging and Walking because it was the only thing open on Monday and Wednesday mornings. The only students that seem to practically live at the RAC are those six gym rats who aren’t full-time athletes. And surprisingly, real gym rats are a thing and are extremely scary -- watch out for those guys.
However, every once in awhile, one of the many students living in the RLC break from the pack and attempt to actually use the gym equipment that they paid for in their tuition. Recent studies have shown that RAC attendance increases right after an exam by about two students for a day and then returns to normal stochastic readings. UMBC student Alan Pann found his way to the gym and into MBC News’ hearts: “I had a long week of exams and I had been trying to go since the semester started. I think it’s finally time.” He said he just wanted to be able to lose some of the extra weight off of all the Papa John’s he ordered in the past week.
“I don’t know if I’ll be able to cut out those cheesy bacon bread sticks, though. Those things stay in your system for months,” Pann lamented. “I’ve been trying to take the extra step.” He claims to literally take an extra step wherever he walks. Every little bit really counts.
But not all was happy when Pann got to the weight room. He recounts being terrified and intimidated by the free weights. “The huge plates you have to put on aren’t that bad. It’s like doing math. The tiny 3 pound ones are the ones you gotta watch out for. They can do sneaky shit, like slip out of your hands and fracture your pinky toe. IT HURTS, OKAY?”
Pann said he slowly approached the medicine balls in the back corner of the room and eyed them down. He then told MBC News that they looked like they could just roll out and punch someone in the face, so he backed away with his head low so as not to arouse the ball’s suspicion. He then told us that he went over to the workout machines and tried to do something easy like the lateral bar where he had to pull it up and down. It seemed easy enough, but when Pann pulled down the bar, there was a lot more weight than he was expecting. Pulling it down as much as he could, his arms gave out and he ended up punching himself in the face.
“I didn’t cry or anything. It just stung a ‘lil and maybe I punched some tears out. But I wasn’t crying. Maybe the gym isn’t a place for someone like me.” Pann twiddled with this thumbs.
MBC News would like to have a moment of silence for Alan Pann’s attack at the gym, by the gym.
Our hearts are with him and his slightly bruised cheek. All is not well at UMBC. This pandemonium will not cease until something is done about the violent gym equipment. We can no longer idly sit by in light of the RAC’s history of domestic abuse.