In an unexpected press conference called last weekend, President Trump presented a surprising ultimatum: UMBC has a week to switch the soda on campus from Coke back to Pepsi, or it will lose all federal funding.
In the president’s words, “America is a nation built on Pepsi! Soft drinks manufactured by PepsiCo, like Mountain Dew and Aquafina Bottled Water, are what drove our founding fathers to Revolution! Who could forget the very famous ‘Boston Sprite Party’, when angry patriots burned Coca-Cola trade ships in protest over very oppressive British policies which favored Sprite over Sierra Mist, which, as everyone knows, is the superior drink.”
The conference ended abruptly, as the President excused himself to respond to a somewhat insulting tweet, but was later picked up by White House Press Secretary and Resident Punching Bag, Sean Spicer. He opened up questioning, and responded to the allegation that the President’s stance was “Just… like… totally and completely wrong.” Secretary Spicer insisted that the President was not technically “wrong”, just presenting “alternative facts” much in the same way that “Aquafina Bottled Water” is an “alternative soft drink”. When asked if, in fact, this was “incredibly dystopian”, Secretary Spicer pointed to the journalist and speculated that maybe his mother was incredibly dystopian. Sensing the confusion this caused, Secretary Spicer pressed his advantage by shouting phrases from various dystopian novels and running out of the room before anyone could stop him. He was later found in a hedge in the White House rose garden, muttering “Who is John Galt?” to himself repeatedly.
On campus, the response to this ultimatum has been mixed. A representative of the campus chapter of College Democrats had this to say:
“Sure, Trump says he will cut our funding, round up all dissenters, and shoot them in the courtyard behind PAHB, but I think what he really means is that he will cut some of our funding and shoot a few dissenters. Nothing to get violent about. If people really wanted to avoid this, they should have voted for Hillary Clinton, or better yet, signed my e-petition.”
We also reached out to the College Republicans, who responded with the following:
“President Trump is beyond question, no matter what some commie liberal triggered snowflakes might say. If he says the American Revolution was part of the Coke and Pepsi War, it was part of the Coke and Pepsi War, dammit!”
We tried to reach a professor of constitutional law, but found them all crying into half empty bottles of Jack Daniel’s.
However, it appears as though not much will come from the whole to-do, as President Trump called another press conference today, wherein he made no reference to the Coke fiasco, or even UMBC in general, instead setting his sights on people who own iguanas, who are “like snake people but worse.” Regardless of how this whole mess turns out, we here at MBC News feel that we honestly would have been better off with Vermin Supreme.