BALTIMORE, MD-- A local student entering into his senior year came to the brash realization that most, if not all UMBC students eventually come to: that he really really fucking hates it here.
“It sucks,” says junior Nate Stevens. “Like forreal, had I known what I was getting myself into before I enrolled here, I would’ve steered clear, ‘cause Christ almighty this place is a shithole.”
University of Maryland, Baltimore County, otherwise known as UMBC, or by its other names “U May Be Crustaceans”, “U Made a Bad Choice” , and “U May Be Enrolled at the Institution where God is Dead” was ranked by U.S. World and News Report in their 2017 publication as #159 nationally, tying with world-renowned research institution University of Alabama-Birmingham and the God-fearing Seattle Pacific University. UMBC also ranked #5 in most innovative schools. Other rankings bestowed upon UMBC include a 4-star rating on Google and Facebook, and many news publications calling UMBC “a national leader in educational innovation.”
That still wasn’t enough for chemical engineering major Nate Stevens.
“Those rankings don’t mean jack shit,” Mr. Stevens spat, his words sharp as knives as they came out of his mouth, his eyes bloodshot from not sleeping for a week. “I wake up every morning with the daily struggle of resisting the urge to gouge my fucking eyes out because I have to come back and see this goddamn shitstain of a campus again.”
Sophomore psychology major Jane Clock had a different take. “I think it's pretty nice here,” she recounted, nervously protecting her Chick-fil-a from the hungry squirrels looming in the tree branches above her table. “There’s a lot of cool things to do, even though the weekends here are boring as fuck.”
When asked about his plans after graduation, Mr. Stevens paused for a second, before bursting into tears and collapsing to the ground. Upon regaining his composure, he stated, “I’ll never graduate. All the senior-level courses that I have to take don’t have enough faculty, so they’re only offered once a year, man. I’m fucking stuck here.”
MBC News declined to ask any further questions.
By Bailey’s Irish Cream